Last time I checked, my name is Sandra Nicole Wilson. The Mayans would say i'm 25, but I don't believe calendars can be completely trusted. I reside in the "country" of Texas. It's a country because we Texans make our own rules. I was born a ginger with a soul, until about age 12. I still remember the day my soul wasn't a survivor. I looked at my CD collection and noticed I owned not one, but two of every Britney Spears CD. Oops...! That's when I knew, I had to say bye-bye-bye to the happy bubble-gum pop lifestyle that wasn't me. Soulless with no stereotype to call my own, I began to think back to a time when I knew who I was. The truth is, as far back as I can remember I always wanted to be a gangster. Day and night I would practice rap songs until I knew every word. The jig was up when I went to school for my first rap battle and there was vomit on my sweater already. Mom's Spaghetti. She always made that on Friday. My favorite though, was breakfast. I even joined a club at school called The Breakfast Club since my gangster days were finished. The Breakfast Club was great until we all got locked in the school and were forced to spend way too much time together. Needless to say I had enough of The Breakfast Club by lunch time the next day. However, one member of the club just couldn't let me go. He held a boombox outside of my window playing a song called Nikki FM by Hawthorne Heights (since my middle name is Nicole). Although clever, I told him to hit the road Jack! Jack Daniels was his actual name and ironically he brushed his teeth with a bottle of Jack too. Which reminds me of the first time I drank alcohol. Alcohol came into my life like a wrecking ball but I had some of the best times i'll never remember with it. Sobering up... oh what a feeling! It was like I could see clearly now, the rain was gone! I knew that meant it was going to be a bright, bright, sun shiny day so I better grab my shades. Whenever school's out for summer, I wear them all day, everyday. I even wear my sunglasses at night. I was bad to the bone and cooler than James Dean, but, those days are gone. I was going away to college. I had my dreams set on being a doctor and performing twenty-twenty surgeries. As we were assigned our clothing I thought i'd be on the catwalk and then Vogue. I was such a silly material girl. When I got my clothes they were anything but G-L-A-M-O-R-O-U-S. I went up to the teacher I was hot for and said "This is bananas. B-A-N-A-N-A-S. Is this real life?" He said "it's real, what you get is what you see. Ain't it funny?" I was not amused with med school's cruel intentions. Stacy's mom tried to tell me I am beautiful in every single way, clothes can't bring me down. I called her a "liar, liar!" and threatened to set fire to the rain water they were using in the lab. The teacher said "you're unbelievable!" I threw my hands up in the air like I didn't care and yelled I don't want NO SCRUBS! I left med school crying a river, but the damage was done. I slid across the hood of my car, didn't even bother to open the door just went straight through the driver side window. I never looked back. I was a med school drop out. I guess it was better than a beauty school drop out. There I was crusin' down the street in my '64, which only made it to the end of the block. I tried to phone a friend to come jump, jive, and wale, my car to the side of the road. I had no great expectations for someone to show up. I was the new kid on the block. I was all by myself. Something inside me said "turn around, bright eyes". Suddenly I see what looks like a bird, or a plane, no... it was lights, flashing lights. A cop pulls up behind me, trying to catch me riding dirty.He must have spotted my ice cream paint job and noticed I had no napkins. He stepped up to my door and said "bad boys, bad boys, what you gonna do?" Naturally my first question was "who's bad?" He noticed I wasn't a boy and asked if I was a member of the Bad Girls Club. I inquired about what they do in this Bad Girls Club. He said the club is full of ballers and their pockets are full grown. At 11:30 the club starts jumpin', jumpin'. I wasn't apart of it, but I thought I might as well jump! I'm not apart of anything right now, i'm just doing me. He asked for my title and registration. I looked in the glove compartment, which isn't accurately named, but everybody knows that. I turned the radio on and he told me to turn it down. I was like TURNT DOWN FOR WHAT?! He said I needed to get out of my dreams and into his car. After I still hadn't found what I'm looking for, I gave a quick goodbye to my ride and sighed as another one bites the dust. I asked the cop for his autograph because I figured he was in The Police. The cop told me I was going crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, crazy, then continued to mumble the word 'crazy' unrecognizable, until he feel asleep. He was narcoleptic. I noticed his badge said Officer Chuck, Narc. I thought Narc stood for head of the narcotics division but it meant narcolepsy. There was my chance. I gotta get free! I knew soon there would be police all along the watch tower. I didn't want to have to live like a refugee or a fugitive. Orange is definitely not the new black despite rather surprisingly popular belief. I called for a cab and when it came near the license plate said "Fresh" and it had dice in the mirror. I told the driver to take me down to the Paradise City.
I remembered I needed to eat so I told him to stop the car mister, let me out here. I ate breakfast at Tiffany's. Tiffany's felt like home sweet home. There I found the best friend a girl could ever have, Diamonds! Before I knew it I had diamonds on my neck, and diamonds on my grill. I wanted everything I owned to shine bright like a diamond. I met the Johnny to my June there. Sadly, after overhearing his plan on how to steal a million worth of my diamonds I put everything he owned in a box to the left. I told him "all you want me for is my ice... my ice, baby." I thought to myself, I can't be too mad. I only wanted him for his pimp juice anyway. I cashed in all my diamonds for a candy bar with a golden wrapper. I wasn't surprised to learn I won because all I do is win, win, win no matter what. My prize was a trip to the biggest chocolate factory in the world! Since i'm allergic to chocolate, I traded it for a single gold coin. I decided to flip the coin; heads Carolina, tails California. The coin spun right round like a record until it finally landed on tails. 1,000 miles seemed pretty far but the road trip was worth it because California knows how to party . I arrived in Dani, California. It was full of Hollywood Hills and Suburban thrills. Suddenly all of the lights were on me. It was the paparazzi, they are my biggest fan and they'll follow me until I love them. "I'm me, I'm just livin my life. Why you so obsessed with me?" I asked. Looking like they mizunderstood, they asked why I walk around like I got an 'S' on my chest? "Look at me, I'm Sandra Dee. My name starts with an S." I replied. "Ohh Sandyyy" they said adoringly. "Get back! Get back, you don't know me like that!" I screamed. I asked myself why so serious? It was love, actually. They truly, madly, deeply, loved me. What is love? Thinking about it was making me lose my breath, I couldn't keep up. I told them all to MOVE! Get out the way! Then I hightailed it out of there like a runaway bride. Californication is not all summertime and livin' easy that's for sure. After things calmed down, I was just chillin at the Holiday Inn, trying to see if I had any friends that would go with me to try this new coffee shop out called Central Perk. Unfortunately I found myself home alone. Then, I remembered diamonds are forever! I had sold all of my precious diamonds though. What do I do? I remembered when my friend Lucy died. They used to say Lucy in the sky with diamonds every time someone mentioned her. There was only one way I knew to get up to that castle in the sky. That's the stairway to Heaven. It had hundreds of steps though. Normally i'm like gimme three steps and i'm TKO-ed. I phoned home to ET to see if we could use his bike to journey up to space but he said there were wars between the stars going on right now so it's risky business to go on a star trek now. Then the idea hit me, like Chris Brown, out of nowhere. There's a national treasure called baseball that has a huge diamond, so I've heard. I hopped up out of bed, turned my swag on, and rushed to Fenway Park. It was there where my lack of directions turned into a sweet, sweet fantasy. I found myself on the pitcher's mound and as I turned to walk away I was kissed! I had kissed a girl and I liked it but this kiss was a firework! It was a kiss in the style Clark Gable would have admired. As it ended, it started raining. Not just any rain though, this rain was purple! I muttered the words "I've got to get out of here" in the strangest tone and started running towards the bright lights and the big city. Suddenly as if out of a story, a chauffeur named Chester appeared with a big grin. I proceeded to ask which way I should go. He asked me where it was i'm going and I replied that I didn't care where I go. So he concluded that it doesn't matter which way I go then. Feeling like a lost little girl needing to break on through to the other side, I looked up to the sky and saw the stars shining big and bright. Up there was a whole new world, a dazzling place I never knew. Gazing at the stars I could only think of one thing. Home. Chester asked if I had ever seen a Chevy with butterfly doors. I told him don't tell me no lies and keep his hands to himself. He told me this guy named Ozark they call "The Wizard" is the cousin of MJ, Michael Jones. He said the wizard could take care of me and see I get back to Texas. He told me to read this number off to him so he could give him a call. To this day I still remember the number; 281-330-8004. I overheard the conversation. It went something like, "Yo can I speak to Mike?" "who?" "Mike Jones" "who?" "Mike Jones, don't act like you don't know". Time kept on slipping, slipping into the future. I heard them arguing about wanting to throw his pager out the window but it would be okay because he's still fly. It sounded like it would be a minute, ain't nobody got time for that. I knew what was going on, game recognize game. I had heard of the thug life and how it chooses people and I wasn't going to be the chosen one. Momma didn't raise no fool, I knew better than to be riding in cars with boys. So I departed and set off on my journey homeward bound. Here I go, again on my own. Of course, I step in what seems like 101 dalmatians would leave behind. All over my blue suede shoes! As I stand there cleaning the heels, crying and saying how much there's no place like home... I was back in Texas just like that! Dunna-dun-dun... snap, snap. I run into my house like a fat kid that spotted a slice of cake. My dad informed me momma was gonna knock me out but instead she lifted me high in the air and told me "you're my angel." In that moment, I swear, I believed I could fly. Home was my final destination and that's the story of my life. Only 5% of this was true, but that's my story and i'm sticking to it.